Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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