How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
