i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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