So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
