is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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