Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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