theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
