If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
