my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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