i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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