I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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