My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
