I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
false alarm, still single
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
