and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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