I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
