i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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