You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
