now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
