you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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