the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize