You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
