Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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