I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
