there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
