...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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