so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
