If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
