1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
