I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
