overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
