bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
