Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
