the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize