he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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