I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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