Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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