I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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