Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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