you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
