Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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