Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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