Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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