I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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