So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
