So drunk, too bad you don't want this
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
