piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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