In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
