I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize