1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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