my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
