Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
