Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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