Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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