I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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