I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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