nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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