I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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