when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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