Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
