The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
